


for the feeling that i get when you are gone

by allourheroes



Series: with just a hint of pain [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), M/M, Mpreg, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allourheroes/pseuds/allourheroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“I think you need a specialist, Mr. Stark.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tony rolls his eyes. “What kind?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The doctor clears his throat. “Maybe an…OB/GYN.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Tony snorts but the doctor doesn’t crack a smile. “Wait. Are you– you’re serious?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Since aliens started falling from the sky, Mr. Stark, there’s not much out of the question.”</i>
</p><p>(Post-<i>Civil War</i> semi-angsty mpreg. Now complete!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> Angsty post- _Civil War_ mpreg because I am who I am.
> 
> The second part will be mostly epistolary. (I don't like posting WIPs, but this should be fine. Comments might get it to you quicker though...)

Tony is supposed to be helping Rhodey when he starts to feel weak.

Rhodey manages to catch the bar and hold them both up, despite everything. "You okay?"

It takes Tony a second to catch his breath and he feels like he's going to throw up, but he nods. Swallows down the bile. "Yeah. Completely fine. You?"

Rhodey huffs and Tony extricates himself from his friend. Rhodey doesn't look as convinced as Tony would've hoped. "You need to see a doctor, Tony."

"You're the one who needs a doctor. Best in the world. Available to you anytime." Tony manages to snag a waste basket in time to puke.

" _Tony_."

~

_"I'm not that kind of doctor, Tony,"_ Bruce says and Tony just grumbles. _"Besides, I'd need to actually see you."_

"I already told you my symptoms," Tony replies. "Nausea. Vomiting. Tired all the time. There's this ache in my abdomen sometimes. I ate an entire box of Girl Scout cookies yesterday."

Bruce sighs into the line. _"Maybe you're pregnant,"_ he jokes. _"I have no idea, Tony. Could be anything. Seriously though--"_ and Bruce's tone changes, has Tony feeling tense and sick and sweaty-- _"how are you doing?"_

"Mh." Tony shakes his head even though no one can see it. "Yeah. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Other than the-- you know. What I told you."

_"I may be out of the game, but I know that something went down, Tony. Maybe you should--"_

"Yeah. Thanks, Bruce. I gotta go. I need to-- Bye."

Tony ends the call and hangs his head between his knees.

~

Rhodey calls Pepper.

Pepper calls a doctor.

Pepper doesn't talk to Tony.

Tony... He gets it.

But he complies with the doctor, goes through the motions and explains his symptoms as the doctor hums and asks clarifying questions.

Then the doctor asks if Tony has any medical equipment and thirty minutes in the lab later, the doctor says, "I think you need a specialist, Mr. Stark."

Tony rolls his eyes. "What kind?"

The doctor clears his throat. "Maybe an...OB/GYN."

Tony snorts but the doctor doesn't crack a smile. "Wait. Are you-- you're serious?"

"Since aliens started falling from the sky, Mr. Stark, there's not much out of the question." He shrugs. "In my professional opinion...you're pregnant. And probably about three or four months along. Most surprising is the trauma that little one must've gone through to make it this far. Very strong." He thumps his tablet and Tony is pretty sure he's going to pass out.

He manages to lead the doctor out and the man agrees to contact an OB/GYN for him, but Tony is just going through the motions.

~

Three or four months.

Three or four months.

Seems so vague for a guy Tony knows must've cost a lot of money, but maybe it's the situation--a pregnant man isn't exactly the usual.

Four months ago, Tony and Pepper had been on the rocks. They weren't talking, but nothing had happened yet--not officially.

Tony thought she needed time and space to work it out and Pepper had just needed time and space away from Tony. Maybe for good.

He grimaces at the memory. He was naive. Naive and selfish. Pepper never should've been in those situations. Not-- He shudders.

But a little over three months ago, the Pepper situation still unresolved, Tony had been _faithful_ \--even if it was all but over. Up until...

Up until...

Rhodey was supposed to be on the mission, actually. To join Steve and Sam in their hunt for Rumlow and for Barnes.

Rhodey had been on another mission, however. One that had been officially sanctioned by the U.S. government. So Tony had to do.

_"You could've gotten us all killed, Stark."_

_"Sorry, next time you need someone out there to save your ass, I'll make sure I'm unavailable."_

_"Told you this was a mistake," Sam says, but he wanders off when Tony shoots a glare in his direction. The real fighting is over._

_"I should've brought Vision. Or Wanda."_

_"Yeah," Tony spits. "Maybe you should've. But you brought me."_

And then Tony remembers how close their faces got, the literal and metaphorical drop of the gauntlet and then-- and then--

It had been quick and dirty and _angry_.

Tony had never used any of those words to describe Steve, so when Steve acted like nothing had happened--embarrassed as he seemed--Tony had almost convinced himself that it really hasn't.

It had just been some weird fantasy his mind had concocted.

But now he's thinking about it. He's remembering it. And...it had happened.

Holy shit. He had-- and Steve-- and--

_Oh_.

If that doctor was right, and it wasn't a tumor or some other weird side effect of the job, whatever this might be in Tony...

It might-- _might_ \--also be part- _Steve_.

_"Very strong."_

The doctor's last sentence echoes in Tony's mind.


	2. In-Between (Texts)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unless indicated otherwise, these are all unsent text messages that come between that first chapter and the next. I apologize for the delay, but real life has been crazy. The next part will not take as long!
> 
> Italics are Tony and bold are Steve. (I tried to make it obvious, but if there are multiple lines in the same section, it's the re-typing of a message.)

_I'm_

-

_It's kicking and it hurts and I blame you._

_It's kicking and it hurts and I_

_It_

_I_

-

**Sam says I talk about you too much. Tony, I**

-

_I keep thinking about all the times you pissed me off. That's how this_

_I keep thinking about all the times you pissed me off. That's_

_I keep thinking about all the times you pissed me off. It's easier than remembering we were friends. Friends don't_

_I keep thinking about you. It's pathetic._

-

**Tony, if you**

**I**

**Thanks**

-

_I hate you._

_I hate you so much._

_I hate you so much. How could you just_

-

_7 lbs 11 oz. 21 inches. She's beautiful_

_7 lbs 11 oz. 21 inches. She's beautiful like you._

_7 lbs 11 oz. 21 inches. Maria._

-

**The team did good today. Wanda’s control has improved and Sam managed to knock out a few men with the wings. I think you would've been proud.**

-

**Call me, I m**

**Call me**

-

_You're a dad, Cap. Should I tell you that? Should I call? There's no way I'm sending this message so I might as well consider my options. These painkillers are doing their job. I guess you should’ve been here but how could you be here when you're out there and I haven't seen you in six months. Wait. Seven? Whatever. FRIDAY, delete this and start over._

_Steve, I. FRIDAY, just delete this._

-

_For a while I thought I had imagined it. You and me. But she's here and she looks like you._

-

**Tony**

**Ton**

**To**

**T**

-

_Vision put a hand through your kid today_

-

**Are you in Wakanda? I thought I saw you today. I was there to check on**

**Are you in Wak**

**Are**

**Where are you?**

-

_I suck at being a parent. Sometimes I swear I can feel you judging me but when I turn around, you're not here._

-

**Congratulations, Tony. I heard about your kid on the news. Are you and Pepper back**

**Congratulations, Tony. I hope you're happy. I mean it.**

-

_Fuck I fuckbgfg miss you yiu asshile. I think I loved yoy. Maybe. Wgatecer._

-

_Do you think we could've been a thing?_

_Do you think we_

_Do you_

_Who am I kidding_

-

**I miss you, Tony. I remember when we**

**I miss you, Tony. I remember**

**I miss you.**

-

_I hate you I hate you I hate you_

-

**Maybe it would be easier if I could get drunk. Maybe then I could tell you about everything instead of being jealous of Sam as he falls off his barstool.**

-

_It's her birthday. I'm glad she's too young to ask about you. It's bad enough with Rhodey and Vision asking who_

_It's her birthday. I'm glad she's too young to ask about you. Rhodey and Vision know._

-

**I saw you. I'm sure of it this time. Not just on TV, but out on the street. How are you, Tony? I can't believe how long it's been since we talked. You never called and I**

-

_I want to be a good dad for her. I just don't know how. I just know I don't want to be like Howard._

-

_Vision and Rhodey sang me happy birthday. I forgot it was my birthday but they put one of those stupid pointy hats on Maria and I almost forgot that I screwed everything up._

-

_You weren't a bad lay, you know. I still think about it sometimes but it feels like a dream. I've had a lot of dreams like that starring Captain America. And some just starring Steve Rogers. Not sure which are better._

-

**I dreamt about the last time I saw you last night. I didn't just crush the arc reactor and the shield went through you. There was so much blood. Wanda woke me up because she told me she could feel my distress. That girl can be unnerving sometimes. When I think about that fight, I think how lucky it is I didn't kill you. I don't want you to be dead. I hope you know that.**

-

_Can you just come home_

_Can you just come back already? I won't arrest you. Promise._

-

_You’re a selfish son of a bitch, you know that? But I still could never deserve you. How fucked up is that? Maybe I should just_

-

**Would it be alright if I came to the compound? I need to**

**Would it be alright if I came to the compound? I hope you'll be there.**

-

**I've made mistakes. We all have. We just have to live with them.**

-

_She saw you on TV. I've never seen her so fascinated before. Or maybe I'm just projecting._

-

 **Sam and I are on our way to the compound.** [DELIVERED]

 **Sam and I are on our way to the compound.** [READ: 3:21AM.]


	3. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Rogers and Wilson have arrived.”_
> 
> _Tony freezes. Despite the text, he hadn’t actually expected them to show. “Oh,” he says, like the ground is still under his feet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meant to post this part a week ago (as belated as that is) and managed to get distracted. There will be a fourth part, but it will be an epilogue.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read and left comments!

“Daddy, Daddy, I--”

The pitter patter of little feet stops abruptly and Tony leans back to peer through the doorway and see what has his daughter so startled. Before he can move to investigate, Vision is walking through the wall.

“Rogers and Wilson have arrived.”

Tony freezes. Despite the text, he hadn’t actually expected them to show. “Oh,” he says, like the ground is still under his feet.

Inhaling sharply, Tony shouts, “Be right there, pumpkin.”

Tony Stark can play the game. He can be whoever he needs to be, when someone weaker would easily crumble. So he bends down to press a kiss to his daughter’s cheek and greets, without any further ado, “Long time no see, Cap.” He smiles without teeth and calculates how long it’ll take Steve to put two and two together.

“She’s cute,” Steve says, awkward but genuine.

Tony’s tongue rests briefly on the roof of his mouth before he replies, “She’s yours.” It turns out he’d rather not play the waiting game. It’s been over two years, closer to three--that’s long enough.

“Excuse me?” And it’s Sam. Sam who looks confused to the point of combative, should he need to protect Steve in any way possible. Tony supposes that includes Steve’s honor.

“Who?” Sam asks at the same time Steve says, “How?”

Of course. Of course they assume Steve is the father and some woman is the mother. Tony, in all his wisdom, hadn’t considered that. In all fairness, he hadn’t been sure he’d ever even _tell_ Steve. As in, _ever_ ever until five seconds ago. That _doesn't_ mean he hadn’t had those Norman Rockwell happy family fantasies. His subconscious isn’t that kind.

Luckily, Tony is saved from from answering as Rhodey interrupts. “The hell are you two doing here?”

“Stark was informed of their arrival two days ago.” Vision assesses Tony, then Rhodey. “News he did not share.”

Rhodey opens his mouth, but Sam puts out a hand. “Hold up.” He drops to a crouch and smiles at Maria. “Hey,” he says. “I’m Sam. What’s your name?”

For a second, she just scowls at him. “Maria,” she replies after a quick look to Tony.

“Maria,” Sam repeats. “Nice name.”

Steve glances away and Tony voices what he knows the man to be thinking. “My mother’s.”

Sam nods, his attention still focused on the child in front of him. “Good to meet you, Maria.” He offers his hand and is surprised by how strong the little girl’s grip turns out to be, although her method could still use work.

Rhodey takes a protective step forward, one that will never be as solid as it once was, and Sam’s gaze moves to Rhodey, back to the girl, to Steve.

Vision, reading the situation, gestures towards the hall. “Let me show you to your rooms and you can inform me of Wanda’s progress with her abilities.”

Tony lets out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and kneels down to scoop up Maria. He looks at Rhodey and receives a raised eyebrow in response.

“You should’ve told me.”

“I know.”

Rhodey’s facade of consternation breaks and he lets out a long sigh. “How’re you holding up?”

“Fine,” Tony replies automatically. At Rhodey’s look, he continues, “I mean, I slept with the guy once. It's not like we were together. And then that whole thing with his friend and the Sokovia Accords…” Tony huffs. “That was two years ago. And maybe he was right.”

“Tony…”

Tony ignores him. “How’re you doing, Maria? Doing good?”

She nods and Tony lets out a sigh of relief.

“I heard you tell him,” Rhodey says.

Tony brushes Maria’s hair away from her forehead.

“You can’t just say that. They'll think that there's a mother and they'll look into it and then I'll be in trouble, too.”

Tony’s brows furrow. “Why would you be in trouble?”

“Because I'll tell them when it should be you.” Rhodey shakes his head. “Talk to him, Tony. You don't need to tell the whole pep squad but he needs to hear it from you.”

Tony’s lips quirk. “‘Pep squad?’”

Rhodey smiles ruefully. “You know, ‘rah, rah, we’re the best,’” he replies, in a lame imitation of a cheer.

“I can't believe you're my best friend.”

Rhodey nudges him. “As if there are any other takers,” he ribs. He steals Maria away and looks at her sternly. “Daddy has something important he's gotta do. Maybe me and you could play a game?”

Maria squeals and Rhodey lets her down to run towards her room.

Rhodey glances back meaningfully and Tony takes the hint.

-

Too tense for the confines of his room, Steve shuts the door as he exits and turns to find Tony walking down the hall.

Immediately, they both freeze, but quickly they shake it off.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Steve hesitates. “Tony, I--”

“Steve--”

They both stop.

“How have you been?” Steve asks, and it's soft and genuine and Tony kind of hates it.

Mostly because his words are suddenly caught in his throat and before he can stop himself, he’s saying, “I hate you, you know that?”

For some reason Tony can’t quite fathom, Steve grins.

“What is this?” Tony gestures to Steve’s face. “You-- you want me to hate you?”

Steve shrugs. “Maybe you should, but you don’t. I know I did… I’m so sorry, Tony. I’m just glad you’re willing to be in the same room with me.”

Tony shrugs back. “Yeah, well. You’re the father of my kid. I gotta give her that chance.”

Steve stares. “I still don’t know if you’re joking.”

“Here,” Tony says, and reaches up to pluck a hair from Steve’s head. “We’ll do a DNA test.” He smirks and ignores the fact that he feels like he could puke at any second.

-

“There we go.” He turns the screen to Steve. “Fifty percent Steve ‘Perfect Teeth’ Rogers.”

“And?” Steve prompts.

Tony shrugs, winces as Steve examines the results.

“How?”

“What is it those creepy HYDRA guys called it? The ‘age of miracles’?” Tony shrugs again. “Maybe it was radiation, chemicals, the serum, magic... Maybe it was Loki. After you left, I found out I…” Tony turns off the screen. “Doesn’t matter.”

“You--” Steve starts. He swallows. “When we fought in Siberia, you were pregnant? But... I just don’t understand.”

Tony grimaces. “Join the club.” His expression turns to more of a smirk, although it lacks humor. “Not that you’d want to be in my club.”

Steve reaches out to touch Tony’s hand and Tony flinches. Steve’s jaw works and he says, quietly, “It was never about you, Tony.”

Tony barks out a laugh. He lifts his shirt to show his chest. “It was never about me,” he responds, watches as Steve’s eyes move from the scar along his abdomen up to the one over his heart.

For Tony, the look on Steve’s face says it all. Steve appears to be so disgusted that he’s on the verge of throwing up and that’s… Tony should’ve expected that, really.

So Tony saves Steve the trouble: He leaves first. Quickly and with nary a grunt, he’s gone.

He feels as if he left his heart behind, the way it sunk out of his chest to the floor back there, but that’s fine.

He’ll be fine.

He always is.

-

“What’re you doing out here, Rogers?”

Steve’s voice comes out firm and commanding. “I’m not here to hurt anyone.”

Rhodey snorts softly and crashes his action figure into Maria’s. “What’s your next move now, huh?” he asks her before he looks up to respond to Steve. “I find that’s generally an unintended consequence with you, but just ’cause you don’t mean to…”

Steve hesitates. “I know.” He takes a tentative step forward into what is apparently Maria’s playroom and stops. “Can I?” He gestures towards her and Rhodey gives him a wary look.

“So he told you then?”

Steve nods.

“Good.”

Without preamble, Maria is shoving an action figure--one of Iron Man, no less--into Steve’s hand. “You’re daddy now,” she tells him.

Rhodey chuckles as Steve’s face goes quickly from surprised to awed to awkward. “I guess you’re daddy now,” Rhodey repeats, then adds, “if you want to be.” Steve seems to want to say something, but Rhodey reads the situation before he need ask. “Mind if I go get myself a drink of water?” The implied _so you can be alone with her_ is heard anyway.

“Y-- yeah. Of course.”

Rhodey looks to Maria, who glares for a few seconds. Then, finally, he receives her approval in the form of her pushing his action figure to the side.

Once Rhodey has left the room, Steve holds up the Iron Man figure. “So, are we saving the day?” he asks.

“I used to play it like that,” she says, “but now I just like them to fight.”

“Alright,” Steve tells her, but he can’t help thinking it’s too much a reflection of his reality. He gestures to the figure clutched in her hand. “Who are you?”

“Blue soldier,” she replies, and shows him a figure that, although horribly disfigured, must’ve once resembled him.

Steve pauses. “What happened to the blue soldier?”

“Daddy’s repulsors.”

Steve decides not to ask how it happened.

-

“You okay?” Rhodey asks and he knows he won’t get a real answer.

“Peachy.”

Rhodey rolls his eyes. “You told him.”

“Showed him. The test results and--” Tony’s hand starts towards his abdomen but he aborts the action and forces a smile for Rhodey. “I did my part.”

Rhodey glances back--not that he can see anything from here. “He’s with her now.”

Tony grunts in response.

Rhodey hesitates, then takes a step closer to Tony. “Guy like that,” he says softly. “I can’t imagine him leaving his kid.”

Tony’s smile is self-deprecating. “You should’ve seen his face, Rhodey. I came damn close to watching Captain America puke all over my new shoes.”

“Oh, Tony…”

Tony wants to blame Rhodey’s sympathetic expression for the way he starts crying.

Rhodey’s soothing hand on his back doesn’t help.

-

Sam stops when he catches Steve’s voice from the open doorway.

“--And do you always win?”

Sam taps on the doorframe to get Steve’s attention. “What’s going on, man?” His gaze flickers to Maria. “Is she…?”

“I have to stay.”

Maria starts rooting through a chest of toys she can barely reach the top of, knocking it over with ease when she doesn’t find what she wants.

“ _What_?” Sam lowers his voice. “I mean, I know that if she’s yours, you’ll wanna see her, but _now_? Without fixing what you started?”

Steve closes his eyes, head tilted down. “It’s never going to _be_ fixed, Sam.”

“True,” Sam agrees, “but what’s with the sudden decision-making? Without consulting your second.” Sam raises an eyebrow.

“What kind of man am I if I don’t take care of my kid? Don’t take care of the person I--” He cuts himself off. “Maybe I sound old-fashioned, but I think I have a responsibility.”

Sam crouches. “I get that.” He watches as Maria manages to push the toy chest upright again. “And I got no doubt she’s yours.” He shakes his head. “What are you thinking? Gonna call Sharon?”

“What? Why would I call Sharon?”

Sam opens his mouth to respond, but Maria offers him an action figure.

“Are you the Falcon?” she asks, her brain finally making the connection, and her eyes are as wide as saucers.

Sam looks at the figure in her hand and can’t help grinning. “Yeah,” he says. “I am.”

“Captain Rogers, I was wondering what you and-- Oh.” Vision has stepped through the wall. He looks between Steve and Sam. “Did you need a moment of privacy?”

“Looks like the gang’s all here,” Rhodey announces, Tony beside him. His gaze settles on Steve. “Maybe we should all head to the kitchen, settle on a lunch plan,” he says. “Steve, why don’t you help Maria clean up in here.”

Vision and Sam take the hint, even if Sam stays suspicious of the whole thing.

Rhodey shoves Tony into the room with Steve and Maria and shuts the door behind him.

“She’s a lot like you,” Steve says, and Tony scoffs.

“Oh, yeah. The blonde hair. The super strength. I can see the resemblance.”

“Maria,” Steve says, “who’s the best dad in the whole world?”

“Mine,” she replies and smiles brightly at Tony.

“Your smile,” Steve starts. “Your eyes. Your tone.”

Tony swallows. “Maria, sweetie, go out and tell Uncle Vision I'm sick of that sandwich place he’s obsessed with.”

Maria throws her Captain America figure to the ground, but does as she’s told, with a backwards glance to see if Steve is following.

Tony waves her off and listens until her footsteps are down the hall.

“Don’t pretend with me, Rogers.”

Steve frowns. “I’m not--”

“The fact that--” Tony’s breath stutters. “That she came from me. From me and you. I saw your face.”

Steve looks away, thinking. His eyes widen. “It wasn’t about you, Tony.”

Scoffing, Tony raises an eyebrow, “You’re gonna try that again?”

Steve huffs and closes his eyes. “You’re right,” he says slowly. “I was disgusted when I found out.” Tony sucks in a breath, but Steve tries not to visibly wince. “I was disgusted by what I did to you. That I--” He opens his eyes, but his gaze goes through Tony. “I could’ve killed you. And her. And worst of all...I get it. I didn’t tell you the truth and I didn’t explain my actions. Bucky was there and I was a kid and all I could think was I had to save him this time. That it was me and him against the world again.”

Steve is met with silence, so he keeps going.

“I shoulda told you. I know that. The Accords weren’t right, but neither was I. So when you told me you were-- You never told me and I can’t say I blame you.”

“Never thought I’d hear that.”

Steve’s face breaks into a chagrined smile. “Never thought I’d say it.”

Tony watches as Steve finally stands up. “Now what?” he asks, afraid to hear the answer.

Steve’s face screws up in thought for a moment. “I have to go.”

“ _What_?”

Steve looks out towards the hallway, thinking of Maria and Sam and Wanda and Scott and Clint all at once. “I want to be there for her-- _here_ for her, but I can’t. Not yet.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Steve says, frowning. “I need to tie up loose ends. But I’ll come back, Tony.” The pause is weighted and Steve adds, before Tony can reply. “For her, if that’s alright.”

Tony hesitates, then nods. “Yeah. Of course. I mean...she’s your kid, too.”

Tony pretends the thought of something _else_ doesn’t cross his mind.

Steve does the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***NEW*** Next part, chronologically (pre-epilogue): [when the world is cold](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9505208)


	4. Epilogue: Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short epilogue, but I haven't really been writing, so, uh, happy winter holiday, everyone!
> 
> (This was going to be way more porn-y, but I decided not to up the rating.)

Tony has no problem getting naked with Steve. Again. For the first time.

They kiss, they make up--as much as they can for now--and then they tumble into Tony’s bedroom after Maria has fallen asleep to Steve’s stories.

Tony has no problem getting naked with Steve until--

Until Steve is looking at him like _that_ again.

Like he’s going to be sick at the sight of Tony.

Tony is unused to having new body issues. The arc reactor had been one thing, but this is… This is still too fresh.

And maybe it always will be as he imagines the way his dad would’ve looked at him had he known that Tony wasn’t the _man_ that he was supposed to be. Tony might be projecting, but the warped version of his father is saying, _“How could **anyone** want you now?”_

He chuckles to hide the pain and grabs for his shirt. “Maybe we should call it a night,” he says. “Not like you could handle me anyway,” he adds with a shrug, covering for his insecurities.

Steve takes the shirt from Tony’s hands and Tony has to decide whether or not to curl in on himself, to put a defensive arm over his abdomen or turn away.

“Tony…” Steve’s voice shakes and he closes his eyes for a moment to steel himself--or to keep himself from throwing up at the sight of Tony’s scars. “I’ve learned something.”

“Just the one thing?” Tony retorts, frozen in place.

Steve chuckles. “Yeah.” His eyes are open now, but he’s looking at the wall. “I can’t change the past,” he says. “No matter how much I want to.”

Tony blinks. “I don’t know--”

“No one should have that power, Tony,” he assures. “Least of all, me.” He shakes his head. “I want to save Bucky. I want to have that dance with Peggy. I want prevent all of the horrible things that have happened since I was frozen, but...I can’t. And I have to accept that.”

With a shrug, Tony grunts in response.

“I can’t change the past and neither can you.” The look is meaningful. “And I can’t change what I did to you or what I kept from you. I have to live with that.” His fingertips skim the scar over Tony’s heart. “With this.”

Surreptitiously, Tony tries to cover his abdomen, to leave it at that.

“Please.”

Tony shakes his head and he tries to pull away, but Steve’s hand is gentle on his arm. “No, you don’t want to see that.”

“I did this, Tony. I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen, to go back and undo what we did. I was ashamed of it, but we made something. You and I together, we created life.”

“An abomination of science and all common sense.”

“Something beautiful.”

Tony rolls his eyes. “Can’t argue with that.”

Steve kisses him and Tony gets swept up in lips and hands and the grind of a body against his own--it’s been a _long_ time, for Tony.

“I can’t change the past,” Steve repeats, “but can we try this again?”

“Well…” Tony pretends to quibble, but he swings a leg over Steve’s hip and his body shifts impatiently, unconsciously. “I’ll give you one more shot.”

And then their bodies press together, and between quips and caresses, they meet like they once did. And yet so unlike they were.

Steve moves in Tony, over Tony, shielding him from the rest of the world as he captures gasps and groans and swallows it all down, burying the memories like keepsakes far too precious to ever let go of again.

When the pleasure has crashed and cascaded over them and they lie in Tony’s bed, Steve refuses to let go.

“I should probably check on Maria,” Tony starts lazily, he shifts but makes no real attempt to leave.

Steve doesn’t respond, lets Tony continue circling his fingers over a broad shoulder. “Marry me.”

“Um. I think I need you to repeat yourself.” He wriggles until he can sit up and Steve follows suit.

“I’m not going anywhere, Tony, and we have a kid. I just think… Wouldn’t it be nice to give her that? That’s the way this is supposed to work.”

Tony lets out a sound of disbelief. “In that 1940’s fantasy they sold you, sure. But here? In real life?” He pulls in on himself as he speaks. “It’s a bit unrealistic.”

Steve opens his mouth to argue, to explain, but he stops himself. “It doesn’t have to be today. Or tomorrow. I know we haven’t really been together, not like we _should_ be if we’re going to get married, but think about it.”

Everything in Tony wants to react in visceral, impulsive rejection, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Steve agrees.

It’s nice to agree.


End file.
